In the last week, I think the last count, where others have said to me, “You don’t look sick…you look so healthy!” is well over one hundred.
I feel as if I should be apologizing for not looking sick…for looking healthy. If they only knew what it takes to NOT look sick…to LOOK healthy. So many times, where I have been invited to go to dinner, to hear music, or attend some event, I initially get excited, but then when it comes to getting ready…shower, make-up, pick outfit, get dressed and then get out the door, my excitement fades. By time the shower is over, along with all those girly things us ladies do to get ready, including make-up, I’m already exhausted. Sometimes I forge forward in the hope that I can get a “second-wind,” but usually as I stand in my closet looking over my outfits, shoes and purses, I decide it’s just not worth it!!!!
Out come the pj’s, off goes the make-up, and here comes the depression. The only other time I have ever gone through this type of depression was when I was going through “the change” after my total hysterectomy, many years ago.
What cannot be seen through the eyes, can be seen, and felt, through the heart. I wish my heart could talk, because if it could, it would be better able to explain what it goes through, so I could better explain what it’s like for me to go through. You know what? Let me give it a try…it’s the least I can do for my heart:
Heart: What’s she doing now? I need to rest, and it feels as if she’s running a marathon! I’m not sure if I can keep this pace up!! Wait, she’s sleeping, so how could she be running a marathon? This 24/7 race is getting old already. When do I get to rest?
Blood Flow: I usually swim upstream, but I just keep getting knocked back down, like a fish attempting to swim upstream against a strong current. It’s been all day, and I don’t seem to be getting anywhere…now I know how “she” feels. Sometimes I even come up against a wall I can’t pass, and have to find another way around in order to get to my destination. Whew – this is really getting on my nerves and definitely wearing me out!!
Lungs: Where is that blood flow? It’s never on time, and sometimes doesn’t come at all…so very frustrating!! I need it to keep the pressure in my lungs low, so I can breathe easier. When it’s late, it really slows down my day, and on a really bad day, even doing the normal everyday things are difficult to do, if not impossible. Even though the good days are few and far between, I sure do love those stairs, walking longer distances, even the grocery shopping, which I hate by the way, without becoming short of breath.
Chest Pain/Angina: OUCH!! That hurt!!! I feel as if someone is placing me in a vice, just to see how much pain I can take, and for how long. Thank God that was a short one. Most last longer, and only increase in pain level as time goes on. Here comes the “spray” (Nitroglycerin in doctor terms) which usually results in the pain going away…sometimes not. ER here I come, again.
Cardiology Visits: These are the worst, because it’s NEVER good news 🙁 It’s always the same story, so I don’t even know why I need to be there? “There is no cure for what you have…we are just going to work at prolonging your life, and giving you the best quality of life we can…so here’s the next step.” Yadda, yadda, yadda! Although I appreciate all that the cardiologist is doing, it doesn’t help in wondering when you’re gig might be up. It might help me to know that when “she” goes, that I might be able to be transplanted into someone else’s body, giving them life, but in my condition, that, sadly, is not going to happen. Uh Oh…here comes the DEPRESSION again. That lonely feeling, that helpless feeling, that feeling less-than. I often hear “her” listening to a Christian song, and when it gets to the verse, “the night can’t last forever,” …”she” changes the words to “the day can’t last forever,” because she is so tired…I break for her!
I wish I could do better for “her”….she has been so good to me! She exercises, eats right, has done wonders in keeping the stress off of me, and loves me with all of her “me!” She works hard for me, so I’m not going to let her down…I’ll work twice as hard!! It’s not as if I have a choice.
The moral of the story? When a woman tells you that she has heart disease, PLEASE refrain from telling her that she doesn’t look sick…that she looks so healthy. Instead, let her know just how sorry you are, and ask if there is anything you can do. Remember….HEART DISEASE IS SEEN THROUGH THE HEART, NOT THROUGH THE EYES!!!
Blessings ✝ ♡